Tag Archives: Pastor

A How To Guide for Killing Your Church

Church killers are a very subversive lot, often working behind the scenes while smiling and shaking hands with everyone. Think of most of them like enemy spies. But not all of them are active spies. Some church killers are just ignorant people who simply don’t realize what they’re doing, even though doing good eludes them.

To help you identify who they are (or give you a few tips if you want to become one), I give you the How To Guide for Killing Your Church.

  1. Don’t come to church.
  2. If you do show up, come late.
  3. When you come, show up with a grouchy attitude.
  4. At every service, ask yourself, “What am I getting out of this?”
  5. Never accept any official duties. It is easier to criticize from the outside.
  6. Visit other churches half the time to show the Pastor that you’re not tied down to him.
  7. Let the Pastor earn his salary by doing all the work.
  8. Sit back and don’t sing. If you do sing, do it out of tune.
  9. Never pay in advance. Don’t tithe or give offerings until you feel you’ve gotten your money’s worth.
  10. Don’t encourage the Pastor. After all, many a preacher has been ruined by flattery.
  11. Be sure to tell others about your Pastor’s faults. Otherwise they might take too long finding out about them.
  12. If there happen to be a few zealous workers in the church, make protest that the church is run by a clique.

There are so many more tips I could give you, but I think this will get you started.

This message was written by Dr. David Powers and the crazy religious wackos at Kapow. You can always find us at www.drdavidpowers.com. Thanks for reading!